The Mother of All Mixed Metaphors

Bush's chief strategist, Matthew Dowd, says he knows Kerry's record and is not spinning when he describes the challenger as "the best debater ever to run for President" and even "better than Cicero."

TIME Sep. 25, 2004

We know it’s a time honored tradition for opposing camps, in an attempt to lower expectations for their candidate, to suck each other’s jagons during the week leading up to the debates… But really, better than Cicero?

The Bush camp is upping the ante this week with a new advertisement featuring a Kerry debate highlight reel:

With his clear victory over Senator Kerry in the "Thrilla over the 87 Billa", Candidate Kerry v3.5 has established himself as a favorite going into the Thursday night debate.

Some observers suggest that Senator Kerry should have retired after failing to qualify for the Democratic National Convention, where the surprising comeback of Lt. Kerry "reporting for duty" after a 32-year retirement effectively signaled the end of the Senator Kerry era.

But after Lt. Kerry was knocked out with a Swift right hook in the first round during August's "Rumble over the Jungle", Senator Kerry was offered a starring role at the Republican National Convention.

Senator Kerry’s 19 year mantra, “The best defense is a strong cup of coffee with sugar and cream, but not too much cream; that’s too much cream, I would have poured it in a different way” proved fatal during the convention’s memorable Wednesday night rope-a-dope, which culminated in teammate “Iron” Zell Miller biting off a chunk of Senator Kerry’s ear.

Candidate Kerry v3.5's insurgent campaign has easily wiped away what was left of Senator Kerry following the quagmire in NYC.

However, a group of pajama-wearing digital brownshirt bloggers are disputing that Candidate Kerry v3.5 is who he claims to be. They note the similarity of statements made by Lt. Kerry in 1972 to those now being made by Candidate Kerry v3.5. One blogger produced what many consider to be the smoking gun:

Candidate Kerry v3.5 now has a shot at the featherweight title belt during Thursday night's debate with reigning champion K-1000. The undefeated K-1000 has plagued various Kerry versions in recent years. Sent from a time further in the future and composed of a liquid-state metal that allows it to transform into an infinite series of positions and qualifiers, K-1000 is able to keep a straight face while forming into pretzel like objects.

“When K-1000 was sent back in time to kill that lone fleeing boy in a loincloth who would have in the future been the leader of the Vietnamese resistance, he proved to be a real master of disguise,” said a swift boat veteran who asked not to be named. “I could have sworn at the time that he was Lt. Kerry. It just goes to show you how good technology will be in 2029.”